RAOHW (Todd's Bane, Part III)

The thing about Hair-metal guy is that he is a laughable figure. Because of this, we can excuse his bad taste in music and clothes. We can even excuse his obsessions with Maxim magazine and wacky morning radio shows. Hair-metal guy doesn’t make us angry or crazy, he just baffles us. And our natural reaction is to laugh. How can you not laugh at someone who still tries on the white leather jackets at Burlington Coat Factory? How can you not laugh at someone who sets his TIVO to record MTV Cribs because Vince Neil is going to be on? How can you not laugh at someone who still gets excited whenever there is another rumored release date for “Chinese Democracy”? You know what I do whenever I see one of these guys? I turn to face in their direction, straighten my spine, lean forward, press my forefinger to the very top of my head, and go “PSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH.”

Sadly, there is an even more resilient cockroach in the pop-culture food chain that not even the bravest social-human can resist being repulsed by. And this species has a thicker skin and an exo-skeleton made of space-age polymer-grade stoopid. This is the bug that you can step on multiple times yet still gets up and runs away. This is the Metal Guy (metallicus angricus).

Deep in the underbelly of the metal revival of the 1980’s, a powerful acid built up and eventually burst through the stomach wall of metal culture. There had been a metal sub-culture percolating for most of the 80’s that despised the hair-metal movement – wrote them off as “posers” and “pretty boys.” So, while Rikki Rocket and Tommy Lee were bagging three or four girls a night and injecting Jack Daniels into their necks, the “real” Metal Guys were gathering in basements, drinking tons of cheap beer, watching B-horror movies, and listening again to as much NWOBHM as they could get their hands on. And then, THEY started forming bands.

So dark and abrasive was this music that it found almost no mainstream audience. To this day it remains a sub-cultural art form. And, fans of the genre prefer it that way. They don’t want to share their music with the world. As mysterious and dark as it, nobody would understand it anyway. Of course, that doesn’t prevent the Metal Guys from throwing it in our faces whenever they get the chance.

My friend Todd is on the receiving end of daily doses of Metal Guy spewage. In Todd’s case, Metal Guy subjects him to high concentrations of bad metal via his PC at work. Todd is stuck in a really difficult position. He could, for instance, battle back. Todd’s into some weird shit, musically. And he could just as easily aim his PC speakers at Metal Guy and bombard him with music so offensive (to Metal Guy’s ears) that his fucking head would turn to dust. But Todd sees that as counter-productive, and an unnecessary amping-up of an already sonically dangerous environment. Alas, my poor friend has to endure some major aural assaults. Here is a sample email/cry for help:

Subj: It doesn't end...

first Yngvie Malmsteen, Zebra, and now King Diamond. Need I say more? I smoked a lot during these times before…Now I no longer have that excuse. I was able to talk him out of the Malmsteen for the good of mankind but Metal Guy’s taste is just horrible. Horrible organ, bad weedly weedly, and then there is the cookie monster rock… now its Suicidal Tendencies. You know I don't mind a walk down high school lane but you know some people evolved musically after high school. Metal Guy unfortunately didn't.

Todd's in pain.

Let me just digress for a bit here. I have some good friends - people I sincerely respect - who are into this music. But, one of the reasons I respect them is because they can open their minds. They understand and acknowledge that there is other music out there. Some of the most intelligent people I know are big King Diamond fans. But, they’re also fans of, or at least tolerant of Dream Theater, Porcupine Tree, Fates Warning, and others. These are bands that put the brains back into metal and took out just enough of the aggression so that it’s palpable to people like me. This is kind of where we lose Metal Guy.

• Metal Guy thinks bands like Dream Theater are “gay.”
  
• Metal Guy thinks Ronnie James Dio is high art.
  
• Metal Guy thinks Opeth sucks now because they did an album of mellower, acoustic songs.
  
• Metal Guy thinks all metal vocalists should either sound like a cross between Max Cavalera (Sepultura), Chuck Schuldiner (Death), and the Cookie Monster (Sesame Street), or King Diamond.
  
• Metal Guy thinks any proper album title should include at least one of these words: blood, death, corpse, reign, mutilate, rotting, scream, killing, Eve Arden.
  
• Metal Guy thinks any great lyric must include the word “RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW”
  
• Metal Guy believes that all drum parts should sound like this:
  DUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAH
  DUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAH
  DUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAH
  DUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHGIGGAH
  and be played as fast as possible.

The main problem with Metal Guy, as Todd pointed out before he fell over backwards and convulsed, is that he won’t progress. Twenty years ago, Metal Guy heard the “Leprosy” album and his musical and artistic growth pretty much ended right there. Sure, there is the occasional sidestep to the “lighter side” – Zebra, Rush, early Queensryche – and the even less occasional foray into “classical metal” like Yngvie and Symphony X (“Check it out man, this guy sounds just like Beethoven.”) – but its mostly “RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
DUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAH
DIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAH"

Herein lie the intrinsic differences between Hair-Metal Guy and Metal Guy. Hair-Metal Guy and the hair-metal minions poured sugar on heavy metal in order to attract the female hair-metal cockroaches. Metal-Guy seemingly does everything he can to keep all the other cockroaches at a distance. My friend Todd’s in-house Metal Guy KNOWS how much his music pisses people off. That’s the whole point. Metal Guy has a darker purpose. Now, I’m not going to get into a whole armchair psychoanalysis rant – but obviously Metal Guy is a major introvert. A lone bug. And death metal, dark metal, black metal, whatever you want to call it, is Metal Guy’s defense against society. And as much as you think you don’t want to deal with Metal Guy, he doesn’t want to deal with you ten fold. That’s why this music is so offensive to some people, because it is designed to be offensive. And the Metal Guys of the world design themselves in kind. They are really no different than the Goth Kids or even the Punk Rockers. With the music comes a look, a lifestyle, and a philosophy. This is key to understanding Metal Guy. He can’t develop his own look, lifestyle, or philosophy (neither could the Goth Kids, the Punks, the Hair-Metal Guys, or any of the other myriad of geeks, sportos, and motorheads you hated in high school) and draws his persona from the music. Hey, I listen to Flaming Lips fairly regularly but you don’t see me walking around in a giant bunny suit.

So, what’s to be done about Metal Guy? Even if you develop an advanced understanding of the inner workings of the Metal Guy brain you still have to deal with
“RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAH
DIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAHDUGGAHDIGGAH"

My advice – get yourself an IPOD.

The opinions expressed in “Todd’s Bane” are most likely a knee-jerk reaction, are not to be taken seriously as the author’s actual opinions, and were originally written in crayon on the back of a diner placemat.

The ABC Project, or "We Interrupt This Rant"

Some years ago, on a night like many other nights, my wife and I were sitting in our apartment in Brooklyn listening to music. At that time, it was probably “OK Computer”. Somehow, we got to talking on the subject of space. Not space in the universal “oh my, space is so infinite and we’re just specks of galaxial dust” sense…nothing that philosophical, I assure you. We were talking about storage space, and about how we had run out of it. We were living in a 650 square foot apartment with a dog, a cat, and approximately 800 square feet of stuff. A rough estimate, eroded by memory, says that about 200 square feet of that stuff was taken up by our cd collection. At the time, we had roughly 1500 cds. A single jewel case measures 5 and ½ inches by 4 and 7/8 inches by ¾ inches, or 20.10 square inches, or 209 square feet (or 17 cubic feet).

Needless to say, the little bastards were spilling out all over the place. And we were hard pressed to find a solution. So we decided to live with it.

Where we went from there took us to even higher forms of mathematical observation. We started talking about making a concerted effort to listen to every single cd we owned. 1500 cds, at an average of about 45 minutes per, equals something like 1,125 hours. If we spent three hours every available evening listening to music we calculated we could get through the entire collection in about a year. We figured it was do-able and set about setting some kind of listening standard, or ground rules. By the time we finished negotiating just how many Jethro Tull albums she would have to endure, the dog needed to go out to pee. Then we figured, while we were out we should get cigarettes and coffee, and then I think we ran into a neighbor and got to talking, by which time we forgot the whole thing….

Some years later…or now…we live in a big enough house that we no longer have such storage issues. But we do have a young son, he’s 10 months old and we think he really loves music. He reacts certain ways to certain music, and with both of us being musicians we think that there may be some kind of genetic hanky-panky going on. We don’t entertain crazy-parent thoughts of him being some kind of prodigy or anything – we would be happy if he grew up thinking Radiohead and Pearl Jam were cool at one time…and Doves…and Neil Young…and Flaming Lips…and Muddy Waters…and maybe Dream Theater if I can get the kid alone for a week.

Which brings me here.

I’m on vacation this week and my wife is not. So, I’m alone at home with our young son and since I’m the only one in the house tall enough (at least until Mommy gets home) to reach the controls for the cd player, I decide what we listen to. I started thinking though, how it would be unfair to subject him only to music that I favored. Although I favor just about everything in our collection, there are some things on the cd wall that I always automatically bypass. And I started thinking, again, that I might be depriving our son of a particular song or album that might, I don’t know, inspire him to great things – musically or otherwise. Think of it, thirty years from now, our son develops a cure for cancer and terrorism! And all because when he was a little baby, his little baby brain absorbed “Solar Marmalade” by The Bevis Frond – and that music swirled around in his subconscious for years and years, re-arranging and re-jiggering itself until it took the form of chemical and mathematical equations. And those equations came to him during the writing of his doctorate on “possible uses of cancer as a terror weapon”. And those same equations, yes those same darn equations, turned out not only to be the cure for all cancer, but also a musical notation that, when played, would disable the part of the brain that wants to commit terrorist acts.

So in the spirit of ensuring that my son fulfills his destiny and saves all of mankind, I am, this week, subjecting him to our entire cd collection in alphabetical order, taking extraordinary measures to guarantee he doesn’t nap through The Bevis Frond.

Now, I certainly don’t expect to get through the entire collection in one week. As a matter of fact, as I write this, we are into day 4 and have only just finished listening to Bjork’s “Medulla” album. So, yeah, this will have to be a long-term project that could literally take years. But, in order to somehow expedite the process – so that maybe we’ll be listening to Frank Zappa by my son’s second birthday – I’ve re-visited the original ground rules set by my wife and I when we first concocted this really stupid plan.

THE ABC’s OF MUSICAL EDUCATION PROJECT, APRIL 2005
Ground Rules:

- The collection must be listened to in alphabetical order by artist
- Mix CDs, artist compilations and multi-artist compilations are off the table with the following exceptions:

>If the compilation represents a cultural touchstone or genre whose importance almost supercedes the artists who made the music, like the Stax-Volt box set.
>If the compilation represents the only available choice for a particular artist – for instance in our case we have The Style Council boxed-set but no other Style Council cds.
>Only one cd of a boxed-set is necessary to satisfy the requirement.
>If a single-artist compilation represents the only listenable output from said artist, the compilation is acceptable to meet the requirement. This rule would have come in handy BEFORE we spun Blue Oyster Cult’s “Curse of the Hidden Mirror”, and instead had opted for disc one of “Workshop of the Telescopes."
>Only one-cd of a single-artist compilation is necessary to satisfy the requirement.

- For artists in which more than one disc is available, a single selection will satisfy the requirement for that artist (this is known as the “Jethro Tull rule.") The selection can be made one of several ways:

>When it comes to an artist like the Beatles, for instance, it is impossible to pick one album that accurately represents what they contributed to music and pop-culture. Basically, when in doubt, go with “Sgt. Pepper.” Same with Pink Floyd – lots of great albums but “Dark Side…” is the way to go.
>For artists with a slightly lessened influence, a good rule is to pick an album that is least familiar.

Addendum - May 11, 2005: If the album that is least familiar is known to be crap, said album can be traded-up for a not-so-crappy album. This is heretofore known as the "Big Country Addendum."

- To preserve time, “two-fers” – those cds which are compilations of multiple albums on a single cd (Big Star, Gram Parsons, and the Beach Boys labels have all released these kinds of compilations) – can be half-listened to so that only one of the represented albums is aired.
- Live albums are evaluated on a case-by-case basis.
- Newly acquired cds are automatically entered into the eligible collection under the aforementioned rules.

>Newly acquired cds can be aired immediately regardless of their place in the order. Ergo, it not necessary to wait until "F" is reached before listening to the new Flaming Lips cd.
>Newly acquired cds that fall into the collection at a past point should be aired immediately. This also holds true for “found cds.” Found cds are the ones that have been in the car under the passenger seat for a year…”hey look what I found! It’s the Bangles Greatest Hits!”

So, we began the great experiment on April 25, 2005. The basic process is that we just keep loading up the changer with the next successive batch and when we've listened all the way through (even as background music) we repeat the process. I’m keeping a “listening diary” of the daily airings. That can be found here. It’s going to be an interesting process, I think. At the very least, it will be a good way to listen to hundreds of albums that I never really got around to hearing thoroughly. But most importantly, it will give my son some kind of a basis on which to form his own musical tastes, instead of just being exposed to whatever mommy and daddy want to listen to.

Cheers.

...And A New Species Is Born...Let's Stomp It (Todd's Bane, Part II)

It was awful. Absolutely, unequivocally, awful. It was immature, silly, and childish. The worst teenage male bedroom fantasies blown up to life size and inflated to near blue-ball bursting. For every 15-year old that jumped off a bed with his sister’s hairbrush in his hand to the strains of KISS and Van Halen, it was the embodiment of sexuality as narrated by twenty-something dudes who were finally getting too much of it – preaching its virtues to barely pubescent mini-dudes who wouldn’t get any for years. To make matters worse, girls were going to the shows in droves. These bands – Warrant, Poison, Cinderella, and of course the ultimate crotch thrusters Motley Crue – brought the level of the musicianship down to sub-punk levels. They could all play a lot better than they did, but they didn’t. They didn’t need to. Their songs were miniature booze-ups in a 4/4 time that basic amoeba could dance to. All the aggression was sucked out and replaced by big dumb sex. More time was spent on pre-show primping and preening than on basic songcraft. Conceptually, it was all dumbed-down, amped-up 70’s boogie - Gene Simmons on viagra after a partial lobotomy. And that’s the thing that seemed to draw the girls. The music was as uncomplicated as it was filthy. There was no subtlety, no innuendo. It was like a new sexual sub-genre. Guys who wore make-up, with huge hair, wearing ever so slightly effeminate clothes and accessories – in a nutshell looking like girls – singing horrible songs about having sex with girls who wore too much make-up with huge hair, wearing…well you get the idea. To an outsider who has taken exactly one course on human sexuality – it seemed like gender ceased to matter. The man-girls on stage were being adrenalized by the man-girls in the audience – and at the end of the night they would flop together into some sort of giant “geschlechtsorgan” – which of course became fodder for the next album.

As the Reagan decade trudged on, hair-metal became a cottage industry unto itself. Clothing stores and hair salons started cropping up that catered exclusively to the hair metal wannabe. Unfathomably, guys started forming bands that took the hair metal aesthetic to its nth degree – the music got progressively worse, and the hair got increasingly large.

Eventually, a great wind built up on the northwestern shore of North America. As it gained momentum and power, it engulfed everything in its path. Hair-metal could not escape the pull of the great windstorm and by the early 90’s it had been completely eradicated from the face of the earth. They called the wind “Nirvana.”

And it was good.

After any great scourge, one or two organisms usually survive. They say that when the earth is destroyed by nuclear war, the cockroach will be the only surviving life form. Hair-metal too has its cockroach. Unfortunately for the rest of us, this cockroach usually stands about six feet tall, has long stringy black hair, and wears black all the fucking time. This cockroach is known as “the hair-metal guy.”

The hair-metal guy has had to adapt and evolve over the years. Man, as we know, cannot survive on RATT alone. Hair-Metal Guy now acknowledges that along with Vixen, Winger, and Slaughter – Megadeth and Metallica also contributed to the great Heavy Metal revival. But Hair-Metal Guy, at his core, is a hair-metal beast. A beast to be avoided. Here are some of the identifying traits of Hair-Metal Guy (testosteronus metallicus or culturalus stagnaticus) so that you can take necessary precautions (to be covered later):

• In a bar setting, HMG will play “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” on the jukebox and then begin to chat up the prettiest girl in the place (or skankiest, depending on the lateness of the hour)
  
• All of HMG’s mix-tapes/cds start with “Girls Girls Girls” from “da Crue.”
  
• HMG still gets updates from the Kip Winger mailing list (“Kip got hair plugs!!! Tour dates coming soon!!!”)
  
• HMG has a cheap Korean-made copy of one of C.C. Deville’s guitars. No, he can’t play it.
  
• HMG still wears his leather boots with the white zebra stripes.
  
• HMG wrote furious letters to VH-1 after watching “100 Most Non-Metal Moments” demanding a retraction.
  
• HMG followed Poison on their re-union tour.
  
• HMG has no interest that Rod Morgenstern and Billy Sheehan used to be in good bands.

The thing to understand immediately about Hair-Metal Guy is that you are infinitely smarter than him. Even if you are an actual cockroach, you can run rings around Hair-Metal Guy logically. I say this because – well – you’ve got to be one major stupid fucker to think that Cinderella makes decent music. And, you’ve got to be completely fucknuts to try to make a point of it. As Bill Hicks, God bless his soul, used to say, “Give me an Etch-a-Sketch and I’ll prove it in three minutes.”

Sadly, actual cockroaches are not often subject to Hair-Metal Guy’s dementia. It is we, regular humans, who have to deal with this homunculous sub-species. We have to hear the distorted strains of “Cherry Pie” hissing out of his five-dollar Osco headphones (often plugged into a three-hundred dollar IPOD – a gift from his girlfriend who outgrew this crap ten years ago and doesn’t want to listen to it anymore). We have to listen to “Sweet Child O’Mine” at slightly above acceptable office-radio volume at least three times a week (and don’t our balls shrivel up whenever Hair-Metal Guy tries to softly imitate Axl – “wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh suh-weet child-a-mye-yieene”). We have to roll up our car windows when Hair-Metal Guy pulls up next to us at a red light in his clapped-out Buick Riviera blasting “Pour Some Sugar On Me” out of factory-installed speakers that were partially blown out years ago. And, we, yes, we, have to listen to Hair-Metal Guy’s endless bullshit about his new tattoo (“Just the like the one Bret Michaels has on his upper back…except smaller…and on my arm…and drawn on in ink for now”), his 6th row tickets for the LA Guns/Enuff Z’nuff show (“Chip and me have the same birthday”), and his recently acquired 5.1 SACD of “Hysteria” (“It’s like Joe and the boys are in the room…maaaaaaaaaaaannnn”).

What a douchebag, eh?

Next post: The Biggest Can of Raid In The World

When The Sweat Met the Stank, (Todd's Bane, Part I)

Contrary to what some of your less enlightened friends might tell you; Heavy Metal is not, and was never, cool. This somewhat rudimentary form of music has been darkening rock and roll’s door for over thirty years now. And all that time, most people who entertain themselves with “higher” music (monkey’s playing little cymbals comes to mind) have snickered quietly at the increasingly stoopid cult that continues to surround and defend this form of musical spin-art. An entire culture has morphed out of this music that shuns the intellectual, and puts all of its focus on aggression, speed, and volume. Heavy Metal is the runaway propeller of rock and roll.

The appeal of classic heavy metal is in itself understandable. A bunch of young English blokes - spotty, pasty-faced and snotty nosed even in their Sunday best – conjured this music out of boredom and desperation, a communal love of comic books and Alistair Crowley, and a shared vision that somewhere in a dark and sweaty netherworld, even guys as ugly as Tony Iommi could get chicks. So was unleashed onto the world, in the mid-70s, the NWOBHM (New Wave of British Heavy Metal). The band names were like scrap paper extracts from the waste bins of Burroughs, Gibson, and a possibly (and probably involuntarily) opium-addicted Tolkien; Iron Maiden. Judas Priest. Saxon. Def Leppard. Eve Arden.

No wait, Eve Arden wasn’t a heavy metal band – she was a kooky TV actress from the 60’s. I meant to say Kaye Ballard.

In a world where 20-minute opuses about fairies and unicorns were being played out in 100,000 seat football stadia, these leather-bound and hell-bent warriors out of time were cranking out ear-splitting digestables for a generation of kids who couldn’t care less about shastric scripture, passion plays, or poor old Aqualung. What they cared about was getting out their aggression in an environment where it was OK to get out their aggression – and they needed an appropriate soundtrack. NWOBHM bands provided that in spades. Screeching vocals, lyrics usually based on some form of satanic mythology or Arthurian legend, twin guitars locked in harmony, fast tempos. And, Hammond organ players need not apply. By the late 70’s musicians were starting to get “key-bored.” Oh, and no girls. In the world of BHM, girls were for after the show. They didn’t even write songs about girls. The testosterone level of this music was so high and so concentrated girls weren’t even necessary. This was 1970’s Britain, and punk had just completed its 18-month whitewashing of 15 years of British rock history. Everyone was looking forward. But the NWOBHM kept looking back – to Zep, to Sabbath, to Deep Purple. In it’s own way, the NWOBHM kept British rock alive in the public eye. While the hipsters in New York and London were jerking and bopping to Elvis Costello, Talking Heads, and the rest of the post-punk-new-wave-no-wave think tankers – an ever-widening circle of disaffected teenage boys were again growing their hair long and dusting off their college-bound older brothers motorcycle jackets – once sticky with dried spit and putrid from the thick stank of CBGB and Maxwells – now aired-out and pockets emptied of spent Marlboro packets.

And now those kids were starting bands. Really bad bands. Really really fucking God-awful shite bands. How they all ended up signed to major labels is still a mystery that should be re-jiggered into riddle form, translated into glyph, and carved into a pyramid so that it can stump the great minds of the future just as it stumps the simple mind of this writer.

But something happened. As with all genres, Heavy Metal needed to evolve. Bands like Iron Maiden set a template that everyone in the genre copped for ten years: dark, brooding, loud, fast, and dark again. Metallica and Megadeth and a host of others attached themselves to the formula and added even more speed and technique. Dark, brooding, louder, faster, and even darker still. That was it and nobody tried to change it until the about the early mid-80’s. In America, some of the guys who were buying expensive British import vinyl of old Judas Priest albums were also really big Def Leppard fans. If Judas Priest was the Harley, Def Leppard was the Schwinn with the playing card in the spokes. The other major difference was that girls dug Def Leppard. They were cute, weren’t they? They had nice hair and pretty faces, eh? Judas Priest? Not so much cute, but the music was loud and aggressive – and even the most latent gayophobe knew deep down what the leather was really for. And a few of the same guys figured out that they could play aggressive and loud music, but by softening up the look a little bit, still pull the birds. So, in the great American male tradition of doing anything and everything within metaphysical possibility to get laid, 80’s American hair metal was born.


Next post: Dude looks like a lady (because he's wearing her shirt) Click here.

I, David (The Dell Chronicles Part III)

The evening after (July 28) was almost as distressing. I had to call tech support again because there were some holes in the return process outlined to me the previous night. Again, another long and agonizing night. Even though I had explained straight away to the TSS (after holding for about 35 minutes) that I did not have a troubleshooting issue, I only needed information about a pending repair – the TSS insisted that it was necessary to take my entire history again. Then, to my astonishment, the TSS started to go through the steps of troubleshooting my problem. Now I finally became incredulous. I demanded to speak to anyone in a supervisory position, and was again thwarted. I somehow managed to convince this guy that I had already received authorization to return the unit for repair and I merely had a couple of follow-up questions regarding that process. This was like that episode of the Monkees where Mike confuses the computer by asking it nonsense questions and it starts to short circuit. I realized that getting these guys to go off the script not only confuses the crap out of them, but also give you the upper hand in the conversation. I knew my window of opportunity was short so I worked quickly:

Me: “Why do I have to ship the computer back to Dell for repair if I paid extra for in-home service?”
TSS: “DELL contracts third-party vendors to do minor troubleshooting and they are only authorized to repair certain things like keyboards or AC connections.”
Me: “When I get the computer back, will it be in the same condition as it was when I first received it?”
TSS: “The computer will work the same as when you first received it.”
Me: “So, the Windows operating system will be installed?”
TSS: “No, you will need to re-install the Windows XP using the discs you received with the computer.”
Me: “What about my application software?”
TSS: “You will need to re-install the application software.”
Me: “So, when I get the computer back, it will have no operating system, no application software, and the wireless lan and cd-r would not have been tested?”
TSS: (medium length pause) “That is correct, sir.”
Me: “Well, that isn’t the condition in which I received the computer. Don’t you think it’s a little bit much to ask a consumer to restore a computer to its out of the box condition after the defect was proven to be bad hardware?“
TSS: “If this gives you trouble you can call tech support twenty-hours a day for assistance.”
Me: “How long does it take to restore all of this software?”
TSS: “Without problems, sir, it would take about six to eight hours I think.”
Me: “Okay, let me ask you this. Why did I have to ask you these questions? Why wasn’t I told last night or the night before that in a return repair scenario, I would basically be getting back an empty hard drive?”
TSS: “To re-install the Windows XP sir is a very easy. It is not difficult at all.”
Me: “Than why don’t you guys do it for me? When I bought the computer, I paid for all this software under the condition that it comes pre-installed. Now, there is something physically wrong with your equipment and you have to replace it. Yet, I still have to do six to eight hours worth of work. And, what about my data files? Will those be rescued from the hard drive?”
(This actually didn’t matter because as soon as we realized the computer was starting to malfunction we had backed up all of our data.)
TSS: “No, unfortunately your data will be lost.”
Me: “Uh-huh. Well, what if this is an extreme circumstance? What if I am physically incapable of loading all that software myself? What if I have some kind of a handicap that prevents me from spending eight hours loading software? I mean, the whole reason I bought a Dell was because the software all comes pre-loaded.”
TSS: “Well sir, if there is a reason you cannot load the software, it might be possible to make another arrangement.”
(At this point I abandoned the whole “handicapped guy” scenario, realizing that it was unfair and it was making the TSS nervous)
Me: “So, that isn’t a hard and fast rule, is it?”
TSS: “I don’t understand.”
Me: “Never mind, it doesn’t matter. Let me ask you – what happens if I get the computer back and the wireless connection doesn’t function properly – or the cd burner doesn’t work.”
TSS: “You can call tech support 24 hours a day for assistance and we will help you.”
Me: “Okay – but what if it turns out the problem can’t be troubleshot over the phone, would I have to return the computer for repair again? Or is THAT something that can be fixed by a third party vendor?”
TSS: “That problem, you would have to send the computer back to the depot for repair.”
Me: “Okay, so lets recap. The computer gets sent back to you and you replace the hard drive and send it back to me without even loading the operating system to test the hard drive. So, when you send it back you’re not even sure if it works correctly. I get the computer back and put the Windows XP installation cd in the cd-drive and the cd-drive isn’t communicating with the hard drive. I call Dell tech support and it is determined that the computer needs to be repaired. So, I have to send it back again. Is that pretty much correct?”
TSS: “That is correct.”
Me: “Wow. That’s a hell of a system you got there. Don’t you think it would make more sense for Dell to at least test the hard drive before sending it back.”
TSS: (slightly amused) “We…it is tested, sir.”
Me: “How?”
TSS: “After the hard drive is installed, they turn the computer on to make sure the hard drive is working.”
Me: “And how do they define ‘working’?”
TSS: “Working?”
Me: “Yes, how is it determined that the hard drive is working? By the spinning noise – if it makes a sound like its working?”
TSS: “They make sure the hard drive will boot up, yes.”
Me: “Boot up. Explain that to me.”
TSS: “If the computer can get to the set-up mode…
Me: “By tapping F8?”
TSS: “Yes, by tapping F8. It is determined that the hard drive is operating correctly.”
Me: “So, if the computer can enter the set-up mode by tapping F8 during the start up process it is determined to be working.”
TSS: “Yes, that is correct.”
Me: “Well, I guess I wasted three nights of my life because I was able to do that last night. It’s getting PAST the set-up screen when the trouble starts.”
TSS: “Yes.”
Me: “Okay – we’re going around in circles here. Can you just give me an authorization number so I can return this thing for repair.”
TSS: “They should have emailed you an authorization number this morning.”
Me: “They emailed it to me?”
TSS: “Yes.”
Me: “And how do you suggest I retrieve my email if my computer is broken?”
TSS: “Well, maybe you can go to the library or a cyber-café and get it there.”
(I actually considered reverting to my “handicapped guy” scenario here but thought better of it…it was getting late and I was very, very tired. Besides, impersonating the handicapped is morally reprehensible.)
Me: “Why don’t you just tell me the number.”
TSS: “May I place you on hold for several moments, sir?”
Me: “Sure, why not?”

I hung up the phone without getting the number. I had decided about halfway through that call that I wasn’t going to return the computer for repair. I told my wife (for whom the computer had been a birthday present) that we were going to buy another computer – from Best Buy or wherever. And, we were going to stop paying the monthly Dell bill. I seriously considered calling an attorney and suing Dell for duress and breach of contract. I figured, in all the country, there has got to be a single maverick lawyer willing to make his name on a case like this. “DELL treated me like crap” would scream the headline.
The next day, at my office computer, I did a little surfing. It turned out that I would have to get to the back of a very long line if I wanted to be pissed off at the Dell Computer Corporation. There are websites out there dedicated to people’s hatred of this company. Former customers and current employees all had some extremely harsh language for Dell. The most interesting posts came from those who were currently employed by Dell as repair technicians. They were literally giving away simple resolutions to the most seemingly complicated computer problems. So, I posted my letter to the message board, just to add to the noise. Then, I set about in an earnest attempt to get justice.

I made a few lame attempts at calling Dell in Texas. That place is a fortress. The only number published is the same generic number on all of their brochures and manuals, and it is literally impossible to reach an actual person within the Round Rock, Texas enclave. I started bombarding Dell Customer Care with emails. Armed with new evidence of their ineptitude, I wrote up another timeline and continued my questioning of their tech support techniques.

• Why does Dell use pre-loaded software as a marketing tool and then refuse to RE-load the software when their equipment fails?
  
• Why does Dell not offer a data recovery service when one of their hard drives fails?
  
• Why does Dell not completely test equipment before returning a repaired unit?
  
• Why does Dell tech support not make it clear to customers that a repaired computer will be returned “empty?”

Every hour or so for an entire day I sent another batch of the same email to whatever Dell addresses I thought would be relevant. I included a summary of the conversation I transcribed above, trying to put them “in my shoes” and illustrate how frustrated I was with the whole mess. The email concluded with a sincere plea. I asked that Dell consider, in this one instance, waiving their “21-day rule” and allow me to return the computer for a refund of the unpaid amount. Basically, I told them I just wanted out of my agreement with them, and that my Dell account be closed. I didn’t care about the four or five payments I had already made, I just wanted out.

In the meantime, I felt partially relieved in that I was longer interested in having the computer fixed. One way or another I wasn’t going to be paying the monthly Dell bill anymore so I didn’t care about that. I knew there was possible damage to my credit looming. But sometimes, as clichéd as it sounds, there is a principle involved that is more important than money.

I guess that kind of thinking pays off in Karma-land (where they hand out karma) because I actually received an email from Dell Customer Care that day. They apologized for the “difficulty” I was having getting my laptop fixed and they wanted to make sure that my Dell experience was a pleasant one. They actually, for a change, cut right to the chase. The email contained a return authorization number allowing me to return the computer for a FULL REFUND, including the payments we had already made.

That was it. I must have stared at my work computer screen for a half-hour reading the email over and over again. I even called my wife. I was all excited like we had won a trip or something. There really are very few things as gratifying as victory over the unconquerable. I only wish I had remembered to take my camera to the UPS store the day I shipped it out. I really would love to have a photographic record of the moment I officially parted ways with Dell.

Yeah well, I’ll always have my memories.

Okay, here’s the hilarious post-script.

A few days before all this started, I had ordered a port replicator from Dell. It arrived right smack in the middle of this whole tech support mess. Of course, by that time, the thing was completely useless and I never even bothered to unpack it. After I had shipped the laptop back, I requested a return authorization for the replicator. When Dell gives you an RA number, it also acts as a UPS tracking number so you can call UPS to find out when the pick-up is going to be. When I called UPS with the RA number, they had no idea what I was talking about. I emailed Dell again to inform them the RA number they gave me was bogus. Here is the email thread that followed (arranged in chronological order beginning to end):

From: US_CTS_Desktop_Support
<US_CTS_Desktop_Support@dell.com>
To: G. Lee
Subject: Re: Returns Request (KMM3362675I21406L0KM)
Date: Fri, 30 Jul 2004 18:57:55 -0500 (CDT)

Dear Mr. Lee,

Thank you for contacting Dell Online Customer Care.

I apologize for the delay in response to your e-mail. We
currently have a backlog of e-mails and are working hard to answer all of
them in a timely manner.

I see notes under your account, stating that you have
already contacted us regarding this issue.

Thus, the previous representative already process the
return of the item. The return of the mobile port replicator has been
authorized under reference number 047554958. UPS will pick up the
package(s) on 07/02/04. You can contact UPS at 1-800-742-5877.

Your reference number for the pickup is 047554958. You
will also receive a confirmation through e-mail regarding the
scheduled pick up.
Be certain to ask the carrier for all your return airbill
Receipts for all the boxes. This will be the only way of tracking the
shipments.

As a mail-order merchant, Dell has 30 days from date of
receipt of merchandise to process your credit. Dell operates within
those guidelines to credit your account.

Once again, I apologize and regret any inconvenience or
Frustration this matter may have caused. We value you as our customer and
Your satisfaction is very important to us.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to assist you. Ihope to have addressed all your concerns to your satisfaction. Your
case number for this interaction is 075283773. Please keep this number for
your records. It will help us keep track of this issue so we
can better assist you if you have any further questions or concerns
about your account.

If there is anything additional that you need, please feel
free to visit our online Customer Care Center at:

http://www.DellCustomerCare.com

Again, thank you for choosing Dell Online Customer Care.

Respectfully,

Joshua
Rep ID 60463
Tuesday-Saturday, 8:00 am ? 4:30 pm CST
Dell Online Customer Care-

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: G. Lee
To: US_CTS_Desktop_Support
Subject: Re: Returns Request (KMM3362675I21406L0KM)
Date: Tues, 03 Aug 2004 14:35:00 -0500 (CDT)

Hi -
UPS has not picked up the port replicator (as you said they
would in the attached email). UPS also has no record of the reference
number you cited (also in the attached email). The attached email also states
that UPS would pick up the port replicator on 07/02/2004 which was three
weeks before I even ordered it. Of course, I understood you meant to say
08/02/2004 but far be it from me to assume DELL can get a simple date correct,
much less arrange for a simple UPS pick up.

I want your equipment removed from my home immediately. Can't
DELL do anything right?

G. Lee
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: US_CTS_Desktop_Support
<US_CTS_Desktop_Support@dell.com>
To: G. Lee
Subject: Re: Returns Request (KMM3473316I21406L0KM)
Date: Tue, 3 Aug 2004 19:38:32 -0500 (CDT)

Dear Mr. Lee,

Thank you for contacting Dell Customer Care.

I sincerely apologize that you did not receive the pick-up.

I have arranged for UPS to pick up the Port Replicator from
Your address within the next 48 hours. Your reference number for the
pickup is:

47554958

For further information on your Pick-Up, please contact UPS
at:

1-800-PICK-UPS

1-800-742-5877

Please pack the Port Replicator exactly as it was shipped to
you, and be sure not to deface the outside packaging.

Please make sure to ask the UPS representative a copy of the
return air-bill or the tracking number. If the package is lost, the
air-bill or tracking number is the only way to trace your shipment.

Once the item reaches Dell, credit will be issued within 10
days to your original form of payment.

If in case you do not receive a pick-up within the next 48
hours, please get back to me and I will take appropriate action to make
sure that you receive the pick up as soon as possible.

Once again, I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience this
matter has caused. If you have any further questions, please do not
hesitate to get back to me. You may also visit our online Customer Care
Center at:

http://www.DellCustomerCare.com

Thank you once again for contacting Dell Customer Care and do
have a nice day.

Respectfully,

Joshua
~Rep ID 22370~
11.00 am ? 8.30 pm Wednesday ? Sunday
Dell Customer Care

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: G. Lee
To: US_CTS_Desktop_Support <US_CTS_Desktop_Support@dell.com>
Subject: Re: Returns Request (KMM3595777I21406L0KM)
Date: Friday, 6 Aug 2004 17:03:00 -0500 (CDT)

Unbelievable. UPS has still not picked up the port replicator.
It's been 3 days since you emailed me to say it would be picked up within
48 hours.

DELL has got to be the most inept, incompetent, and inane
company in the world. Would it make it easier on DELL if I sent it back
myself? I know how overworked you must be tyring to appease your many dissatisfied customers, so maybe I can ease your burden and ship pack the port
replicator myself.

I am absolutely going to make it my lifelong mission to inform
Everyone I know of my personal DELL experience, and if that means I can
get one single person to NOT buy a DELL computer, I will sleep better at
night.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

G. Lee

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: US_CTS_Desktop_Support <US_CTS_Desktop_Support@dell.com>
To: G. Lee
Subject: Re: Returns Request (KMM3595777I21406L0KM)
Date: Sat, 7 Aug 2004 01:42:46 -0500 (CDT)

Dear Mr. Lee,

Thank you for contacting Dell Customer Care.

It seems from your mail that you have faced lots of
difficulties regarding this issue. I can surely understand the frustration
you had to encounter. I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience caused
to you with regard to this issue. If I had been in your place, I might
have felt the same.

I would like to inform that the previous pick-ups were arranged
from the address given below. If there are any changes in the address,
please reply back to me providing the new address and I shall arrange
a pick-up from that address. However, as till now I am considering the
address given below as the correct address. To avoid any further
discrepancy, please verify the address so that I can arrange for the pick-up
of the Replicator. The address is that I have in my records is: -

(address)

Please get back to me with your consent within 48 hours so that
your request can be processed as soon as possible.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to assist you. I hope
to have addressed all your concerns to your satisfaction. Your case
number for this interaction is 75257748. Please keep this number for your
records, It will help us keep track of this issue so we can better
assist you if you have any further questions or concerns about your pick-up.

If you have any other questions or concerns, please feel free
to contact Dell Customer Care at:

www.dellcustomercare.com

Have a nice day

Ramon
REP ID 77878
Monday-Friday 12:30pm-9:00pm CST
Dell Customer Care

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: G. Lee
To: US_CTS_Desktop_Support <US_CTS_Desktop_Support@dell.com>
Subject: Re: Returns Request (KMM3595777I21406L0KM)
Date: Saturday, 7 Aug 2004 11:53:23 -0500 (CDT)


THis is to inform you that I have shipped the port replicator to:

DELL BRAKER K
CRA# 047554958
11550 STONEHOLLOW DR
DOORS 13-15
AUSTIN, TX 78758-3166

The UPS tracking number is: 1Z5962W60302337694

The package is due to arrive on Thursday, August 12 2004

I must say I was amazed at how simple it was to ship this
package. With all the trouble a big company like DELL has arranging for pick-ups, I thought it was going to be a very difficult and drawn out process. But I guess long and drawn out processes are DELL's specialty.

I will be checking on the progress of the shipment, and when I
receive confirmation of its delivery, I will consider the matter closed.

G. Lee
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


From: US_CTS_Desktop_Support <US_CTS_Desktop_Support@dell.com>
To: G. Lee
Subject: Re: Returns Request (KMM3595777I21406L0KM)
Date: Sat, 7 Aug 2004 14:25:00 -0500 (CDT)

Dear Mr. Lee,

Thank you for the return information.

I have added this information to the credit return authorization
reference number: 047554958. Once the item is received back at
Dell and is verified, your account will be credited in the original form
of payment within 8-10 business days.

Please note that, I provided you a different return address in
my previous e-mail. So, please do not worry, if you have shipped
the item to another return address. I have also added this information to
the reference number that you have shipped the item to this address.

I thank you for all the patience and understanding, you have
shown and assure you of my commitment to provide the earliest resolution
to your concerns. It is my sincere hope that this incident doesn?t alter
your overall Dell experience.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to assist you. I hope to
have addressed all your concerns to your satisfaction. Your case
number for this interaction is 075257748. Please keep this number for your
records. It will help us keep track of this issue so we can better assist you if you have any further questions or concerns about your return.

If you have any further questions or concerns, please visit the
following website to contact us:

www.DellCustomerCare.com

Thank you for choosing Dell's Online Consumer Customer Care and
have a nice day.

Respectfully,

Talbot
Rep ID 67072
07.00AM - 04.30PM CST Sat-Wed
Dell's Online Consumer Customer Care

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How the hell do these guys stay in business?

About a week after I shipped the laptop back, a guy claiming to be a Dell techician posted a response to my letter on the "I HATE DELL" message board. He said the whole root of the problem was in the design of the outer casing. The casing does not give the cooling fan enough room to breathe, he wrote, and therefore the laptop starts to overheat and that can cause permanent damage to the internal components. he also wrote that Dell was completely aware of the situation. He suggested that had I purchased a 10-dollar laptop stand, giving it about two inches of clearance, I'd still have a working Dell Inspiron.

I am now the proud owner of a much better computer. On two of the three occasions when I needed to contact technical support, I had my issues resolved within 30 minutes. On both of those occasions, the issue involved third party software. And, also on both occasions, the tech support specialists (and these guys put the “special” in “specialist”) were not only completely familiar with the software, but were extremely helpful in the troubleshooting of said software. On the third occasion, my laptop was “wormed” and my TCPIP files were destroyed. I had to do a complete Windows re-load. But, with the TSS on the phone and with the manufacturer's system recovery discs. My entire computer was re-loaded and operational within about two hours (actual time). You want a non-celebrity endorsement? Here it is. Buy a Sony Vaio.

Caviare Chimp Eats Dell (The Dell Chronicles Part II)

Once I had surmised that whatever was wrong with our Dell Inspiron laptop was not due to anything software related (which I probably could have fixed myself), I said several Hebrew blessings (or “bruchas”) and reluctantly called Dell tech support.

Knowing that the agony of such an endeavor would eventually fade from memory, I wisely chronicled the entire three-day affair. After two solid evenings and nights on the phone with tech support, my computer still was not working, and was now (thanks to the well-trained TSS) in even worse condition than before. When I contacted Dell regarding my computer’s frequent and sudden complete shut-downs, at least I was always able to turn the laptop back on. After 15 hours of tech support, the thing was completely toasted.

The following is a letter I sent to the Dell Computer Corporation, which I also emailed to every possible Dell and Dell related email address I could find, including those of several stockholders, the board of directors, and most of the customer care division. When I wrote it, I had absolutely no hope of getting any kind of response. Because of Dell’s return policy, and their completely faceless corporate attitude towards their individual and home use clients, I naturally assumed that the letter would probably not even make it to anyone of any authority. The point of the letter was the hope that someone, anyone, would read it. I wanted someone at Dell to understand that there is a level of customer dissatisfaction that even they shouldn’t tolerate. I wanted them to understand that while I understood I was bound by a signed agreement (to pay for this computer for the next four years even if most of that was spent having it repaired), they needed to understand that their “award-winning” customer support was in a state of atrophy. It was my belief, narcissistic, as it was, that nobody had ever “sat them down” and explained to them how difficult it was for a regular person to get any kind of satisfaction.

As I wrote out the timeline of my tech support calls, I began to think that not even the most jaded customer service professional could possibly take the letter seriously. As a customer service professional myself, some of the things in this letter made me laugh out loud and think, “If someone had sent me this letter, I’d think they were putting me on.” But, it is to this point of ludicrousness that Dell has allowed its technical support to waver. I only wish that I had been putting them on, because to this day I still can’t believe how clueless the typical Dell TSS really is.

Here is the letter as sent and emailed:


“July 28, 2004

Customer Care
Dell Computer Corporation
One Dell Way
Round Rock, TX 78682

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been a DELL customer since 1998 and recently purchased my second DELL computer. My first experience with your product was not a pleasurable one, so when it came time to purchase a laptop for my wife I was naturally wary of DELL. Taking into account the advances made in personal computer technology and the consistent high marks for the Windows XP operating system, I somewhat reluctantly but in good faith, made a second DELL purchase.

This letter is to inform you that I now deeply regret that decision. I implore you to continue reading this letter before writing me off as a garden variety dissatisfied customer, as I believe you will find much of the information within quite useful. In return, I will refrain from editorializing and stick to the facts.

In January of this year, I purchased a DELL Inspiron 1100 notebook computer. The notebook is used almost exclusively for Internet access and digital photo storage. Since acquiring the notebook, only two software applications have been added to the system that did not come pre-loaded. Both of those programs are well-known name brand applications and both were purchased via retail outlets, registered and licensed, and recognized by Microsoft XP. The anti-viral and personal firewall software that came pre-loaded as a trial version with the system was immediately upgraded to a full paid subscription. Neither my wife nor myself have downloaded media files or software, nor have we opened unfamiliar email without checking for viruses. We have kept our protective software up to date and run regular maintenance tasks every month. To say that we follow safe computing guidelines would be a great understatement.

About three weeks ago the notebook began to malfunction. The system would suddenly power down completely at irregular intervals and at no specific point in its operation. Sometimes it would power down immediately following boot-up, sometimes during an Internet session, sometimes during a maintenance or de-fragmenting session. Although the problem stopped the next day, it again re-appeared two nights ago and more persistently.

Calling DELL technical support had long been my least favorite thing to do. Our first DELL, a desktop model, was rife with technical problems. After many months and long nights of phone time with technical support, DELL eventually replaced our hard drive. The installation of that hard drive is a subject for another letter entirely.

But because we want to follow correct protocol and not attempt to fix what we might not understand, with great trepidation I contacted DELL technical support. It is now two days later and I am shaken and humiliated by the experience. In addition, I have been deprived two nights of sleep. It may come as a surprise to you to learn that DELL COMPUTER CORPORATION has settled on a standard of post-sale customer service that is remarkably poor. Let me use last night, July 27, as a sample time line.

7:00PM – First call to tech support. Hold time 30 minutes. Explained problem to support specialist. Specialist spent about 15 minutes speaking with me, taking details of my problem, and then put me on hold for about five minutes. Specialist told me notebook would need to be sent to depot for repair. At this point my phone battery died and I lost the call. I re-charged my phone and called back.
0815PM – Second call. Hold time 35 minutes. Had to re-hash two previous calls (including one from the previous evening) before specialist agreed that it would be best to return the notebook for repair. Specialist asked to put me on hold for “five minutes” while he processed paperwork. Phone battery died again and I lost the call.
0905PM – Third call (using cell phone). Hold time 30 minutes. Specialist takes call, but then the call is abruptly disconnected.
0935PM – Fourth call. Hold time 38 minutes. I tell the specialist that I have made two attempts to arrange for return of the notebook for repair. Specialist takes basic information again and places me on hold for about 8 minutes. Specialist tells me that she does not believe problem is being caused by hardware. Specialist guides me through “STINGER.EXE” solution. This solution uses a high-end viral scanner to find hidden viruses that are undetectable by the standard McAfee application. The solution fails twice, and the computer powers down completely at the same exact point in the process both times. This all takes about 30 minutes. It is now approx. 1100pm CST. The specialist now talks me through re-configuring some system settings to allow the notebook to “take no action” should the STINGER scan encounter an error. The STINGER completes its scan in about 20 minutes and finds no virus. The specialist now talks me through a “system restore”, setting the computer’s system and registry settings back about three weeks to before the problem ever occurred. The specialist informs me that if this solution does not work, I will need to re-load the Windows XP operating system. Call ends at 1140PM. Note: During this call, my repeated requests to speak with a support supervisor were politely refused.

At this point, I ran the system defragmenter (following suggested Microsoft OS guidelines) and the system powered down about ten minutes into the process. Taking the specialist’s advice, I began the process of
re-installing the Windows XP operating system. Using the DELL provided re-installation disc, I began this process at shortly after midnight. The process got as far as deleting the existing XP system and copying files to the hard drive when the notebook powered down. At the time of shut down, the CD-ROM was copying the file “driver.cab” to the hard drive. I started the notebook up again and re-started the process. The notebook again powered down while copying the same file.

At about 1240AM I placed a fifth call to tech support, and was connected to a specialist after about 20 minutes. The specialist provided me with some very useful information. I was very surprised to discover, for instance, that the reason neither of the first two specialists called me back after we were disconnected was because I was “frustrated” and tech support policy is to not call back “frustrated” customers. I was also quite taken aback to be told, by the specialist, that the reason my problem had not been escalated after four calls was that the tech support supervisors are “not as knowledgeable” as the tech support specialists, and therefore could not be of assistance. Finally, I was quite surprised to learn that DELL allows its tech support specialists to address customers by their last name without prefacing with “Mister” or “Missus.” The tech support specialist called me (by my last name) repeatedly throughout the call. But, I’m sure this was due to a cultural discrepancy and was not meant as an affront to me. My suspicion was confirmed when the supervisor I spoke to also addressed me as (by my last name). As an accounts manager for a large development company (and an active member of its Global Diversity Council), may I suggest some re-training of your overseas support staff might be in order?

After several long periods of being placed on hold, the specialist began to explain what the next steps would be, including the physical removal of memory chips. I informed the specialist that because of the XP re-installation failure, the notebook currently had no operating system on which to run. The specialist then placed me on hold for about 7 minutes. I was finally told that the notebook would need to be sent back to the depot for repair. The specialist informed me of the return process, wished me a “good time” and before ending the call implored me to take the “e-survey” that would be arriving shortly in my email. To this I inquired how I would take an “e-survey” if my computer doesn’t work. I was told that perhaps I could use a computer at work or go to a cyber-café. I have to wonder at this point, does DELL really want ME to take this survey?

Today, I am very tired and the proud owner of a 1600 dollar paperweight. While I’m sure that I will get my computer back in good working order, I am left with many lingering questions. This is why I am writing to you.

-Why does DELL technical support force the caller to repeat the same information with each call, even though the symptom has not changed?

-Why does DELL tech support not allow “repeat” callers to dial through to a support tier that allows them to bypass the initial hold time. My philosophy is that I have already waited in line and your solution did not work, why do I have to wait in line yet again…and again…again? Perhaps a simple trouble-ticketing system would cut wait times down for callers with unresolved issues.

-Why does DELL not have a service agreement that allows for customers to have their computers serviced locally?

-Why does DELL offer McAfee as its default protection software if DELL is completely aware that there are at least two-dozen current viruses that are impervious to McAfee? (I got this information from a tech support specialist.) Additionally, I have been unable to install an update to my personal firewall software due to a “system error” that McAfee tech support has been unable to troubleshoot. If DELL is going to use suggestive marketing (via desktop icons) to sell McAfee applications, DELL should ensure that the applications will perform at 100%.

Finally, I would simply ask that you put yourself in my shoes. Try to imagine yourself going through this situation – spending the equivalent of two eight-hour workdays trying to troubleshoot an otherwise very new computer. Now try to imagine yourself going through this an average of 2-3 times a year. This has been my DELL experience.

At the very least, I would appreciate a personal response to this letter, and not a form letter. I am a very dissatisfied customer and I feel beaten when I should feel empowered. Furthermore, I feel trapped by DELL. If I had a choice, I would simply return this very new computer and terminate my agreement with DELL. But, according to tech support, “that is never an option” (unless the computer is less than 21 days old). I have come to dread turning on my computer the same way one dreads going to the dentist.

In closing, I have been a loyal customer despite the many negative experiences. I always give any vendor the benefit of a doubt and did not let the first negative experience cloud my judgment when it came time to purchase a new computer. However, I do not believe that DELL honors my loyalty. On the contrary, I believe that DELL has spit in the face of my loyalty.

I sincerely hope that my experience will affect a change in DELL’s attitude toward its many customers.

By the way, I never did receive the survey in my email.

Yours sincerely,
G. Lee”

Next post: "Dude, you're gettin' a refund" or "My Final Adventures With The Most Inept Company On Earth." Click here.

Dell Ires Chimp (A Caveat), or "Anagram for Mongo" (The Dell Chronicles Part I)

According to market research and 2004 sales figures, there is a very good chance that you are reading this while sitting before a Dell computer. Now, I know that there have been occasions where you thrust out your chest amongst a group of close friends over a bottle of Shiraz and proudly proclaimed, “hey, I just bought a Dell.” And similarly, chances are the responses were positive. After all, everyone has heard good things about Dell computers. But surely, there was that one person who politely excused himself or herself from the room. And moments later, the sound of weeping and possibly even open prayer could be heard from behind the bathroom door. From beneath the door, a whiff of incense may have drifted. Then, loud chanting and drum beating would shatter the uncomfortable silence. Suddenly, the person may have re-appeared, looking disheveled, disoriented, and very likely naked. The person may have asked to use the phone, and could be heard repeatedly whispering into the receiver – incanting really – “I am a name not a number. I am a name not a number. I am a name not a number….”

This phenomenon is, unfortunately, fairly common. But thanks to the miracle of modern marketing, most people are completely unaware that the Dell Computer Company is engaged in a far-reaching global conspiracy to sell people semi-broken computers that work just long enough to brainwash their owners into buying a second semi-broken Dell computer. Trust me, I was a victim of this conspiracy and it was only recently that I was rescued from the evil clutches of Michael Dell and his minions.

Okay. I don’t honestly believe in the conspiracy theory. But part of me wishes I did. Because the truth is, Michael Dell is probably a pretty good dude. He started from nothing and now he is the head of a multi-national evil corporation bent on world domination through mind control….

Deep breath. Start again.

I meant what I said about Michael Dell, I'm sure he's a fine person. The thing is, his company has become so big he has absolutely no idea that it is crumbling at the base of one of its most important cornerstones; customer service. Whenever you see an advertisement for Dell, it is almost invariably focused on Dell’s award winning customer service. Dell rode a wave of high consumer satisfaction ratings right into the hearts of America and right through the soul of Gateway, which at this point could give away an actual cow with each computer and still wouldn’t be able to slow down the Dell juggernaut. And now, you can buy a Dell computer on the same financial terms as you would buy a refrigerator. Minimal payments spread out over a number of years at a fairly reasonable interest rate. Their products are hyper-functional and attractive, too. Lots of electric blues and NASA silvers, fully loaded with MS Everything, DVD-burners and a big honkin’ “GO PORN” button on the wireless keyboard for easy surfing to the nekkid chicks.

It’s all a big sloppy 21st century high-tech hummer until something goes wrong…horribly wrong…howwibwee howwibwee….sorry I started channeling Evil Prince Ludwig from Blackadder for a brief second. Where was I? Right…high-tech hummers.

I’m not saying that it’s an inevitability a Dell computer will break down. But computers are incredibly complex machines that have been technologically plasticized for the consumer market. I have owned two of their computers and both performed well below the advertised expectations, and then broke down. But I’m a computer and tech savvy person. I understand how computers work and am fairly adept at dealing with the mysterious inner workings of Microsoft operating software. Dell, it is my belief, designs its computers to work at about 90% efficiency when in the hands of someone who uses their computer for the most mundane of tasks, 80% in the hands of someone who actually uses their computer for things other than solitaire and blog posting. And then there are people like me (and possibly you). For us, Dell computers operate at an efficiency rating not too far above a wet Casio calculator watch (the original ones with the rubber buttons…remember those? They were cool huh?).

The problem with people like me (and yes, possibly you) is that we demand as much from our technology as it would demand from us if it were in charge. It’s not enough for us that they pre-load crappy music jukebox and photo editing software on there. We want to be free consumers. We want to go out and get our own jukebox software, our own digital music suite, and our own photo editing software. That’s when things start to curdle inside of a Dell computer. I’m fairly convinced, and as much admitted to Dell in writing, that it was probably my frequent loading and unloading of software that caused my first hard drive to depart the electronic coil. That was when I had a Dell desktop. I had that thing for about 5 years and I would say in the final three years it worked about a third of the time. Problems ranged from lost .dll files (where the heck do those things go anyway? They’re like the single socks of the file library world), conflicting media drivers, corrupt IE applets, and the aforementioned fried hard drive with beef gravy. In between those problems, there were various and sundry lock-ups, shut-downs, and blue-screens. (Cue marching band) Whatever the problem, I could always trust that the highly trained and knowledgeable tech support staff at Dell Tech Support would diagnose and resolve my problem right away. This has been a message from Dell Computer. Keep surfing, America! (Fade marching band).

Regardless of how many smiling, attractive, always-at-the-ready eager young turks they put in their commercials, dealing with Dell tech support (and eventually Dell customer support) proved to be a humiliating and humbling experience. I was trapped in a subway train on the Manhattan Bridge when the World Trade Center got hit. I saw it happening. Yet, the feeling in the pit of my stomach on that day was a gas pain compared to the mental and emotional anguish I was put through at the hands of the Dell Computer Corporation.

The problem, as I see it, is that Dell has traded in its reputation among the consumer class for its grab at the golden ring. The corporate world has embraced Dell as its horse of choice for America’s cubicle jockeys. “Who cares if G. Lee of Anytown USA is having an issue with his pre-loaded Excel appy? Just tell him to re-load his operating system, but don’t tell him he’ll have to re-load all of his application software afterwards. We’ve got a thousand computers going over to Global Widget!” People like me don’t really matter to Dell anymore. But, just to be sure there is no mutiny among the plebes, Dell builds some very crafty and ironclad language into all of their finance contracts. So, they don’t care about you, but they ensure that you ain’t going anywhere. Sadly for us, we live in the age of the License Acceptance Agreement. I mean, who reads fine print anymore?

Well, here is some fine print I wish I’d have read – or maybe even been made aware of at the point of purchase:

- DELL return policy states that computers cannot be returned after 21 days from the day of receipt. If the computer starts to malfunction, regardless of the reason, on day 22, you are fucked. Actually, scratch that. The computer has to be AUTHORIZED by Dell within 21 days of receipt in order to be returned. So, on day 18, your computer starts to malfunction. You spend the perfunctory 2 or 3 days on the phone with DELL tech support (I’ll get to that later) and then you decide “I don’t want this piece of shit anymore, I’d rather have a computer”. Too late, Jerky! There’s no way, in the given time frame, you’d be able to get a return authorization from Dell in time. Enjoy your new paperweight!

- DELL tech support works from a pre-programmed script. The “tech support specialists (TSS)” are prompted on their computers as to which questions to ask based on the caller’s response and or statement. To the best of my knowledge, these well trained, highly skilled, and well-compensated (and exclusively Middle or Pacific Asian) individuals are relegated to authorize about a half-dozen “solutions” to just about any possible computer issue.

• Re-load the operating system
  
• Un-install non-certified software
  
• Delete and re-create internet connection
  
• Switch internal hardware to a different slot (for desktops only)/Re-seat internal memory card (laptops only)
  
• Run a “system restore”
  
• Send unit to depot for repair (this one is especially frustrating to those who paid the extra couple of hundred dollars for Dell’s famous “in-home maintenance”)

- DELL tech support deals in circumstance only, not consequence. By this, I mean simply that Dell will only help you resolve your current issue but will not explain, or even make you aware of, the possible adverse effects of that resolution. For instance, Dell loves to tell their customers to re-load the Windows operating system. What they don’t tell their customers is that this will also wipe out all of their data and all of their application software. In an extreme case, where a computer needs to be sent back to Dell for a replacement hard-drive, the computer will be returned “empty.” It is the responsibility of the customer to re-load all of the operating software that came pre-loaded in the first place. This is akin to bringing your car into the shop to have the brakes replaced and getting it back with no wheels.

- DELL tech support has no memory. The average hold time for a tech support call during a normal business day is about 25 minutes. Once you clear that hurdle, you have to give the tech support person a laundry list of information; service tag number, model number, call back number, name, shoe-size, favorite Ravi Shankar record, air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow etc. And, you have to do this everytime. Compare this to the customer service of another electronics company that also manufactures computers and whose name rhymes with….ah fuck it…I’m talking about Sony. When you call Sony’s computer division the first time, you enter into their automated system your home phone number only. Through a sales tracking program, their system identifies you and the model of computer you purchased. When you are connected to a tech support person (usually after about 10 minutes) they already know the name of your favorite Ravi Shankar record. On subsequent calls, their system uses a very basic caller ID system to re-identify you and there’s no muss, no fuss.

- DELL tech support has no conscience. Because Dell’s TSS are trained not to ad-lib, even if you’re lucky enough to get a TSS that “knows their shit” it doesn’t matter. If the TSS knows for a fact that you only need to enable a check box in your “Internet Option\Advanced” menu – they will never tell you that unless their pre-programmed solution software tells them to tell you that. It seems to be more important to Dell that you spend precious hours on the phone answering and re-answering basic technical questions than it is that your problem gets resolved in a timely manner and everyone can move on with their lives. It is this machine-like approach to their customer service, not the fact that their computers are built poorly, that lost them yours truly as a customer.

Next post: My personal Dell experience- a heart wrenching tale of sick computers, dead cel-phone batteries, and broken contracts. And there's a post-script that will have you questioning the evolution of man. Click here.

Let The Day Begin

In no particular order, here are the things I would cut my own head off and fry it in garlic to avoid:

Fast food, General Motors cars, gangsta rap, people who have unnecessary plastic surgery (girls with fake boobs and guys with fake butts are just...well...fake), Michael Moore, Sean Hannity, and blogs. There are probably a thousand other things I could put on that list, but the whole point is to illustrate that I hate blogs. I think the concept is stupid: tens of thousands of people, most of whom can't put two sentences together, gurgitating and re-gurgitating what should be their private inanities out into the vortex for anyone to see. And, they are all so important aren't they?

"Here's my 1,725th reason why I hate Ani DiFranco"
"...And it's because of my desire to help others with THEIR pain that I spend eleven hours a day writing blog entries about my extremely rare cuticle disorder"
"Anyone that thinks the government isn't duping them really needs to listen to Janeane Garofolo on Air America...SHE really tells the truth!"
"and it's because of my desire to help others with THEIR pain that I spend eight hours a day writing blog entries about my extremely rare ear lobe disorder"
"My priest raped me"
"My government raped me"
"My pet rock raped me"

This is, without question, the most banal and annoying outlet for human expression since the CB radio.

Well, breaker fucking breaker 1-9, I got somethin' to say.

It started a few months ago. I have, or should I say had, this friend. Well, let me go back a ways. I have this group of friends. We're all scattered around geographically, but we keep in steady contact via email. It's basically a loose conglomeration of people that were brought together by one person who was friendly with all of us. He thought that because of our similar (and dissimilar) tastes in all things pop-culture, it would be fun to put the bunch of us together to discuss such matters.

Over a course of about ten years, we all became "friends" on certain levels - as with any group of friends certain factions are closer than others, and there is always a modicum of disdain among individuals. One of the members of this group is, for lack of a better term at the moment, a political bully. The kind of person that leans so far to the side, you think he might actually break. The kind of person that only needs to know what he thinks he needs to know in order to suit his agenda. You know the type. The concrete thinker. The kind of political radical that says "anything they do is wrong, and anything we do is right, even if it's the same thing they do."

Without going into incredibly boring detail (although it is my belief that at some point in our lifetime, "going into incredibly boring detail" will be a supplemental definition of the word "blog."), it came to pass some months ago that both of us had gotten fed up with one another.

What would usually happen is that my friend would post some kind of one-sided political missive - being highly critical of the other side's actions or words or deeds. I'm a political centrist, I have no party affiliation. I would try to point out that his side might also be at fault, or that perhaps he was missing some detail that might shed new light on his point. For instance; when he pointed out that a certain Gubernatorial candidate was a "serial groper", I countered that we once had a president (that he supported and still fawns over) that cigar-fucked a 21-year-old intern in the Oval Office - and that this other guy, while I didn't support his candidacy, may have grabbed some woman twenty years ago on a movie set. The response was - "what the President did then is nobody's business".

Now, I'll admit my language is often strong, perhaps even offensive. And, I'm not denying that there were many occasions when I could have toned down my own rhetoric and just stated the facts as I knew them. So, I'm not painting myself as some chaste social angel or anything, I can be a vicious verbal raptor at times. But, my responses were always geared towards pointing out that, in a two party system neither side is without its foibles. This would often lead to a more detailed discussion of the topic, with rhetoric rising on both sides. That's when things would get ugly. That's when the name-calling would start, always instigated by him with nary a retaliatory strike by me. I'd be called all the usual political/social epithets - and as strongly as I would state my case that I was cut of the same poli-cloth as my friend, it wouldn't matter. Once you disagreed with this guy, that was all he needed to hear and you were the enemy of real freedom and a bigot. After a while, I would be the one to say "I apologize for the level to which this discussion has sunk" or something like that...just to put an end to it.

In what turned out to be our final exchange, I stupidly and rather clumsily referred to a well-known female politician using a five-letter profanity. At first, it was really meant as a joke, just kind of a riff on all the name-calling that had been going on in the media during the 2004 election. I don't honestly have a hair up my ass about this particular person, I just won't support her because I think there are better candidates. But, it started a major shitstorm. I was asked to explain myself, why did I hate this woman so much? Well, I answered - providing a list of reasons (based on my opinions as one of her representees) why I didn't like her, didn't trust her, and didn't respect her as a person or a politician. This led to another, much longer discussion on a completely different topic that was more social than political. In this discussion as well, I put forth strong opinions, this time based on personal experiences. In an effort to diffuse an obviously out-of-control argument, I countered that I agreed with many of the counter-points - saying basically "while I agree with many of your points, the fact is, in my personal experience, your main point is not realistic."

The email I got back floored me. It's been almost six months and every so often I open it up and read it again to make sure it says what I think it says. This "friend" referred to me by a social epithet that I found so offensive I nearly cried. And, in using the group mailing list to send his email, he essentially did it in front of a bunch of other people. It was loaded with vitriol, armchair psycho-analysis and half-truths. And, just to cover his ass, he buried an "if I'm wrong I apologize" sentence deep within his long diatribe.

Usually, I wouldn't let this stuff bother me so much. I've been called names before. I'm a grown man pushing 40 so there's nothing I haven't heard. But this one really burned. It burned because it is so far from what I am. It burned because I have made it one of my life's charges to be the exact opposite of that. And here, someone I trusted as a knowledgeable and educated friend, knocked me right down and said "you're the opposite of what you think you are. You're the opposite of what you KNOW you are. And, others feel the same way I do." He then proceeded to tell me that this mode of my behavior had bothered him "for years."

Needless to say, my response was quick and venomous. At least I showed him some respect by e-mailing him privately. I told him exactly what I thought of him, his politics, his so-called omni-expertise, and his Psych 101 bullshit. That was the last thing I wrote to him. I told him in no uncertain terms that I did not wish to communicate with him from that point on. I had tried to settle it like a gentlemen but he came at me again and now, here we were: two grown men with nothing good to say to each other.

Then I took a breath.

At that point, I said to myself, "Self, maybe its time you re-thought your personal charter. Maybe its time for you to stop spending time trying to prove people wrong and spend more time trying to prove yourself right. Better yet, spend that time proving yourself right not to others, but to yourself"

So that's what brings me here. I no longer participate in discussions with my loose conglomeration of friends unless its to talk about some new CD or movie or DVD. And even then, I keep my opinion friendly and short. I don't say ANYTHING negative, and I certainly don't take up a contrary position under any circumstances. My feeling is, let HIM have them, I will have myself. The thing is, it turns out, weblogs are convenient and fairly anonymous. It seems to be an easy way to just get things out there - not so much for feedback or accolades, but for one's own self-justification. So my apologies to anyone who was bored enough with their own life to read this shit and may have been offended by my earlier cheap shot at bloggers and their blogs.

But seriously, the blogger with the rare cuticle disorder has GOT to get out more.

This post was written using the TREBUCHET font. TREBUCHET is defined by Websters as "a medieval military engine for hurling heavy missiles (as rocks)".